Why ‘Do As You’re Told’ Doesn’t Work: Rethinking Challenging Behaviour

🎧 Listen now on:
Spotify,
Apple Podcasts,
or watch on
YouTube.

If you work in care, education, fostering, or parenting, you’ve probably heard (or thought) it before: “They’re just being difficult.”
But what if the behaviour isn’t actually the problem?

In this powerful solo episode of the Able to Care Podcast, Andy Baker unpacks why the old logic of control, punishment, and “because I said so” so often backfires – especially when supporting people affected by trauma, mental health challenges, neurodiversity, dementia, or emotional distress.

Challenging the Old Story About Behaviour

Andy explores how much of what we call “behaviour that challenges” is deeply subjective. What feels difficult, defiant, or disruptive to one person may barely register to another. Often, the issue isn’t the individual – it’s that our current skills, mindset, or environment can’t hold what’s happening.

Drawing on personal experience, including a formative life event in his teens, Andy explains how curiosity replaced judgement and set him on a lifelong path of understanding human behaviour beyond labels like “naughty”, “lazy”, or “oppositional”.

Why Control-Based Approaches Don’t Work

This episode breaks down why traditional reward-and-punishment systems can escalate distress rather than reduce it – particularly for people with trauma histories, learning disabilities, autism, mental health needs, or dementia.

• Why “should” and “must” thinking isn’t the same as truth
• The difference between disliked behaviour and genuinely maladaptive behaviour
• How task-focused care can unintentionally increase anxiety and resistance
• Why nobody behaves in a way they believe is a bad idea at the time

Responding Instead of Reacting

Andy introduces the idea of pausing before responding – regulating yourself first before trying to influence anyone else. This shift from reaction to response is central to trauma-informed, person-centred behaviour support.

Rather than asking, “How do I stop this?”, Andy encourages carers, educators, and parents to ask better questions:

• What is this behaviour doing for them?
• What need is being met right now?
• What would it cost them to change?
• Is this about safety and wellbeing – or my own discomfort?

Three Practical Mindset Shifts You Can Use Immediately

To close the episode, Andy shares three simple but powerful mindset changes that can transform relationships and outcomes:

• From: “What’s wrong with you?” To: “What’s wrong for you?”
• From: “Stop it.” To: “How can I help you meet this need safely?”
• From: “Let’s fix the person.” To: “Let’s adjust the environment and build skills.”

This episode is a compassionate, practical reframe for anyone who supports others through distress, dysregulation, or challenging moments – and wants to protect their own wellbeing at the same time.