Attention-Seeking or Connection-Seeking? Understanding Behaviour That Challenges

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Is it really attention-seeking – or is it a need for connection?

What happens when we stop labelling behaviour and start getting curious about what is really going on underneath it?

In this episode of the Able to Care Podcast, Andy Baker challenges one of the most common and damaging phrases used in care, education and parenting – attention-seeking. He explores how the frame we use shapes the response we give, and why behaviours that challenge may be less about manipulation and more about unmet needs, stress, attachment and connection.

Why this conversation matters

When someone is labelled as lazy, manipulative, naughty, attention-seeking or difficult, it can shut down curiosity and replace understanding with judgement. Andy unpacks how these labels can feed confirmation bias, damage relationships and lead to responses that escalate rather than help.

This episode is a powerful reminder that behaviour support begins with intellectual humility – the willingness to admit that we may not fully understand what is happening yet.

What you will learn in this episode

Andy explores:

• Why the phrase attention-seeking can be misleading and unhelpful
• How connection-seeking and attachment needs may sit underneath distressed behaviour
• Why labels such as lazy, liar, manipulative or naughty often create lazy thinking
• How trauma, past experiences and emotional baggage shape nervous system responses
• Why curiosity is one of the most important skills in caregiving, parenting and education
• How body language, tone and pacing affect behaviour support and de-escalation
• Why confirmation bias can stop us seeing the full picture
• How to respond with boundaries and dignity instead of shame and judgement

From judgement to curiosity

Andy uses relatable stories and practical examples to show how easily people can misread behaviour. A child making noise, a young person lying, a person becoming clingy, or someone appearing demanding may be communicating something much deeper than the behaviour itself suggests.

Rather than asking, “What is wrong with them?”, this episode encourages a more useful question: Why this, and why now?

Who this episode is for

• Parents supporting children with distressed or dysregulated behaviour
• Teachers and school staff working with behaviour that challenges
• Foster carers and social care professionals
• Support workers and caregivers
• Anyone interested in trauma-informed practice, attachment, emotional regulation and behaviour support

Key message from this episode

Behaviour does not happen in a vacuum. What looks unreasonable from the outside may make perfect sense when seen through the lens of someone’s history, stress, nervous system or need for connection.

If we want better outcomes, we need fewer assumptions and more curiosity. We need to move from labels to understanding, from correction to connection, and from control to collaboration.

Explore more support and training

If this episode resonates with you, you may also want to explore Andy Baker’s wider work around behaviour support, trauma-informed practice and caregiving approaches through the Able Target System, Targeting the Positive with Behaviours That Challenge, and the upcoming Adaptive Caregiver model.