Is It Lying or Coping? Rethinking Children’s Behaviour for Parents, Teachers and Caregivers

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Is it really lying – or something deeper?

In this episode of the Able to Care Podcast, Andy Baker challenges a common assumption in behaviour management: when a child lies, are they being dishonest – or are they trying to cope?

Through a relatable school scenario, Andy unpacks how behaviour often functions as a strategy, especially when children feel overwhelmed, fearful or unable to manage the situation in front of them.

Understanding behaviour beyond the label

It’s easy to jump to conclusions. A child denies something, the evidence says otherwise, and the label “liar” quickly follows. But what if that label is stopping us from seeing what’s really going on?

This episode explores how confirmation bias, emotional stress and skill gaps can shape behaviour – and why certainty doesn’t always equal understanding.

Key insights from this episode

• Why behaviour is often a coping strategy, not a character flaw
• The impact of fear, shame and stress on honesty
• How labels like “liar” can damage trust and reinforce behaviour
• The role of emotional regulation in children’s decision-making
• Why punishment alone can increase secrecy rather than build honesty

A practical 5-step approach to responding differently

Andy shares a simple, powerful framework for behaviour support:

• 1. De-escalate the identity attack – avoid labelling the child
• 2. Separate facts from feelings – hold truth with empathy
• 3. Build replacement behaviours – teach what to do instead
• 4. Focus on repair, not humiliation – link consequences to learning
• 5. Reflect when calm – support self-awareness and growth

Why this matters in caregiving and education

For parents, foster carers, teachers and support staff, this shift in thinking can transform relationships. When behaviour is seen as communication rather than defiance, it opens the door to connection, trust and meaningful change.

This episode aligns closely with trauma-informed practice and behaviour support principles, helping adults respond with curiosity rather than judgement.

Beyond children: a universal human response

Andy also highlights how this isn’t just about children. Adults lie too – often for the same reasons: fear, embarrassment, or self-protection. Even in dementia care, what looks like dishonesty may actually be confusion or memory changes.

Understanding this helps us respond with empathy across all areas of caregiving and mental health support.

A simple question to take away

Before you label behaviour, pause and ask:

“Why did it feel safer to lie than to be honest?”

That question alone can change everything.

Who this episode is for

• Parents navigating challenging behaviour at home
• Teachers and teaching assistants in schools
• Foster carers and social care professionals
• Anyone working in caregiving, behaviour support or mental health

Final thought

If we treat lying as a moral failure, we risk creating more hiding. But if we understand it as a coping strategy, we create opportunities for honesty, growth and connection.