Living Well With Dementia – Dignity, Identity and the Power of “External Memory” (with Peter Berry and Deb Bunt)

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What happens when a dementia diagnosis arrives – and the world starts treating you differently? In this episode of the Able to Care Podcast, Andy Baker is joined by Peter Berry (living with young onset Alzheimer’s) and Deb Bunt (writer, counsellor, and Peter’s close friend – often described as his “external memory”).

Together, they explore what it really means to live well with dementia – not through a clinical lens, but through story, humour, friendship, and the small practical adjustments that protect dignity and keep life meaningful.

Key Themes: Dignity, Identity and Being Seen as a Person

Peter shares how, after diagnosis, he initially stayed quiet out of embarrassment and shame – and later realised that silence can make things harder for everyone. Deb speaks honestly about what it feels like watching people’s tone, body language, and attitude change the moment dementia enters the conversation.

• Why hiding a diagnosis can increase fear and misunderstandings
• How other people’s reactions – not dementia itself – can strip away dignity
• Why “Peter with dementia” is a damaging label – and how to keep it as “Peter”

The “Shabby Coat” Metaphor (and Why It Lands)

Peter offers a powerful way to understand stigma: dementia can feel like wearing a shabby coat in public. People see the coat and respond to the label – not the person underneath. The message is simple and challenging: the coat may change, but the person wearing it is still the same.

External Memory: Friendship, Trust and Practical Support

Deb describes what “external memory” looks like in real life – not correcting or calling attention to what Peter can’t remember, but filling in the colour so he can stay part of the conversation with ease. Peter explains that while facts can disappear, feelings remain – and trust can be emotional and intuitive, even when memory is unreliable.

• How to support without constantly “reminding” (and unintentionally shaming)
• Why relationships can still be rich, real, and reciprocal
• The difference between helping someone “keep up” and helping them feel safe

Keep Active, Keep Living: Cycling, Challenge and Purpose

Peter’s cycling challenges – including riding a penny farthing – aren’t just headline-grabbing. They’re part of a bigger point: life doesn’t stop after diagnosis. Purpose, movement, and doing “your compass activity” can protect wellbeing and identity.

• Why challenge matters – “what’s a challenge if it isn’t challenging?”
• How activity supports mental health and resilience
• Why being wrapped in cotton wool can shrink someone’s world too fast

Make Moments, Not Memories

One of the most important takeaways is this: you may not be able to “make memories” together in the way you hope – but you can still make moments. And moments are what connection is built from, day by day.

For Anyone at the Start of the Journey

Peter’s advice is direct and grounding: focus on what you can do, tell the right people what’s happening, don’t let shame isolate you, and live each day as it comes. Deb reinforces the human-first lens: they’re not “Tom with dementia” – they’re still Tom.

Who this episode is for

• Family carers supporting a loved one with Alzheimer’s or dementia
• Care staff wanting more person-centred, dignity-led approaches
• Friends and wider family who feel unsure what to say or do
• Anyone navigating grief, identity changes, or mental health challenges linked to caregiving

Recommended Courses

Please see related courses:

• The Adaptive Caregiver Model – Supporting People Living with Dementia
• Young Onset Dementia in Care
• Dementia Awareness Training